So I started the last blog with the pressure of creating a great opening gambit that you’ll want to read on and hear (~surely read *Ed) exactly what I have to say. Blatantly though I don’t have an editor. If so you’d never be reading any of this and my potential literary career would be down the drain before its even started. Any way’s….
So I guess for part two it’s only best to start with the new upgrade available to purchasers of the game first time around! We’ll bring you new features for the 2011-2012 season like new owners and erm some money – but not a lot. We’re going to have to stagger it over a few payments over the course of a few years and as hard as we tried to get the top wage earner off the pay roll we’re stuck with paying him £36,000K a week allegedly because the Israeli links have now gone dry. What we will do for you to enhance the reality of the game is to let you believe that we’re bidding over the odds on a crocked striker called Patterson who we have no real intention of paying such a fee for because we know his parent club have said all the time they won’t let him leave. In hindsight Burnley should have snapped the clubs hand off had the offer been real and called the new owners bluff. I believe the player in question is now sidelined for around three months. And we used to call Darren Anderton sick note…
So welcome to your second season in charge. Some of the fans have been calling for your head throughout the last campaign despite the fact that you managed to keep a small squad in the league and at times you briefly flirted with the notion of reaching the play offs. It might have been the same notion that as a youngster tossing off to pictures of Pamela Anderson that lead me to believe that one day she’d come strolling in my arms, but hey ho. We all can dream.
You now have new owners. Sadly though your top scorer has gone to the biggest spending side in the league and as I’ve already mentioned you didn’t see a penny for him. Gone are the problem school children of Hughes and Brown who you had to keep in detention because for some strange reason your school contracts previously written meant you had to pay them over the odds for being quite frankly inept if they kicked a ball for your side again. You also have to realise that fatty Haim has returned from his overextended school trip to London and that their head master has been sacked and their financial position now was even worse than yours was 12 months ago though they’re still kidding themselves that they’ll get through it all and that in 12 months time they will be back on form with Ofsted and no one will remember they’re in dire financial shit quite frankly. Do you still want the job? Well apparently you do. So let’s tell you how many players are out of contract in the summer?
I think I want a refund on this upgrade! Quite frankly this game appears to be quite shit. I want out. I used to take Halifax from the lower divisions and then land a big job. This is quite frankly bollocks. Where’s my money? I want a refund! This game is wank.
This however as we’ve ascertained so far isn’t a game. Its real life and yes SC you are still the Manager of Portsmouth FC. Don’t worry though you’ve got new owners and they will back you in the transfer market. Off you go tiger. Its fine, between us, the Chief Executive David Lampitt and you, we’ll have a squad ready to compete come the start of the season. How do you fancy a little break in a small country called America? Nothing will go wrong. We’ll train, play a few games and then come home to face newly promoted Real Betis in a pre-season friendly. What could possibly go wrong?
So all joking aside, SC took it upon himself to take his squad or what was left of them over to the US for pre-season before someone very rudely threw our clubs plans into chaos at the airport meaning that we could no longer fulfil the pre-season friendly against Betis… because our squad was stranded over in the US. Why with just 15 kids and a few adults they didn’t charter a small private jet I will never know. I’ll stop joking when the situation becomes any less of a joke for the second successive pre-season US tour on the trot.
How did we do against the New York Cosmos? I don’t think we quite got there. Perhaps our bus took a wrong turning. How did we do against the Red Bull guys? Again don’t think we got there. Damn bus driver. Instead we managed to pull a draw against the Sesame Street B side and I forget what we did other than that. This being America; soccer doesn’t really matter unless you don’t have a dangly bit between your legs.
Back to the game…
America however is the land of business deals. SC says he likes to look a player in the eye before he signs him. Sadly though the club won’t stretch to flying any new potential signings out to where you are currently based - This could prove a bit of a problem…
Its fine though because you’ve identified a list of players you want to sign during the summer and your understanding is that the Chief Executive DL will take care of it all and will finance everything. So you start to plan big. Cech in goal, Messi in midfield, Rooney up front….
Your last name on the list in case all else fails is that of a Burnley player who has struggled with injuries for the past few months. You joke – Make a bid of £2.5 million for him. With the rest of the signings on the list we’ll be fine. We won’t need to make the joke last one official. You all snigger amongst yourselves until you walk out of the office and everyone else groans. It appears your joke buy would become your top potential buy from you list.
Now Ian Holloway and Steve Cotts sound very familiar when they comment after games to the cameras. There’s just one slight difference. Holloway is really funny and interesting even when his side have been smashed into the ground by an under 13 girl’s side. Cotts on the other hand would still tell you how he thought his side should have won. It gets a bit boring after a while it has to be said. Either that or he shows how old fashioned he is and takes the blame himself – I over trained them prior to the game… *Scratches head – They’re footballers. Aren’t they supposed to be fit for a living? All those hours sat on Twitter surely proves they have enough rest time after training regimes? No one explain what Twitter is to SC please. We’re hoping Chinedu will escape under the boss’ nose whilst he tries to be the next Robbie Savage or Joey Barton of Twitter.
I can’t take this seriously at the moment. Blog II just became blog III of who knows…..
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